Tuesday
Jul252017

Samsara

Samsara.
Old patterns.
Cycles. 
Same story. 
Same outcome. 
We've been there, right? 
More than once. 
Repeating the same stories with different characters at different times.
Worse when we believe that perhaps this time, yes, this time, the same characters at a different time will yield a different outcome. 
This city has me in a grip I cannot describe. Like a moth to the flame, I just have to keep coming back. The streets feel familiar, the electrical charge in the air fills my reserves and the people I meet shift and change my path. 
Long ago, I met a man here and in a sense, he brought me back to life. Reviving a woman laid in ashes from the fiery end of a past relationship. I reclaimed the Venus in my sexuality, my sense of femininity and remembered what it was to be cherished for everything woman about me. 
It was (and is) beautiful but we have a samsara together, a clause in our karmic contract that damns any chance of fulfilling what I imagine and expect in my heart. 
When life moves quickly, it's easy to blow past the whirlpools, the black holes, the vacuum that is samsaras. 
But in moments like this, sipping a coffee in a cafe, striding through the old streets, sitting as the subway cars speed along the underground network of rails or when I catch myself in a stolen moment of quietude... I'm helplessly pulled. 
I have to reverse what feels like a freight train of want and quick easy fulfillment in just one simple phone call, a single text message. 
And yet, I don't truly love him.
So why? 
It is a samsara, it is a cycle that I am karmically drawn to and damned to repeat again... and again... and again if I am not mindful. 
I remind myself that it is wonderful when it happens but I am left completely occupied and consumed in picking up pieces after, leaving me totally oblivious to anything new and wonderful for what feels like eternity. 
So, 
I close my eyes. 
I breathe deeply. 
I touch my heart space to offer and bolster it with strength and love for self. 
I let the moments of now pass by, hyper aware of the present in all that I can hear, sense and feel. 
I come back to self. 
And in coming back,
I'm whole again. 
I'm home again. 

 

Friday
Sep022016

Drained versus Tired

As much as I do love what I do, I get tired just like anybody else. 

There are days when I just can't wait to get home and go to sleep because I'm so tired.

There are days that I don't even feel like socializing with my nearest and dearest because I am so tired.

There are Friday nights (Saturday nights too) where I'd rather spend it at home because I'm so tired.

 

B  U  T  .  .  .

 

Being drained and being tired are two entirely different things in my mind.

It's OK to be tired for your dream and it's certainly ok to "do nothing" in order to recharge, refuel and reorient yourself to your short and long term goals that will get you closer to your dreams.

 

When I wake up in the very wee hours of the morning to teach, stay up burning the midnight oil preparing for retreats, workshops, trainings or go weeks without a day off... I don't really mind so much because I remind myself that this is an active choice I have made (and making every day) to offer myself in service. This is a life that I have and am carefully curating. Of course, it has not come with its own obstacles and there have been times when I needed to take a reckoning and be honest with myself in some of the choices I have made or how things have evolved or changed. Sometimes, it requires a hard restart and a remapping from square 1 all over again.

Draining energy comes from a place where you feel unfulfilled, unmotivated or plain old bored. Being able to recognize this is the first step towards figuring out how to change the situation... even if it's a minor tweark or an honest conversation. This is not limited to just work but to relationships you hold in your life as well (friendships, boyfriends, colleagues, etc...).

And it's not even really about burying your head in the sand and then just trying to turn a blind eye to it. But rather, to meet it head on. And if you are not in a position to change it or leave it, to figure out how to energetically shield yourself from that draining energy. Remembering, that we can't really change people... though we may try (haha). We can change our reaction to them... especially if they are emotionally and mentally draining for you.

I am constantly working on the balance and recognition of when I am drained versus when I am tired. And if I am honest with myself, I definitely know in my heart of hearts, the situations or the people that are draining.

Despite the fact that the infographic below is a summary of an article written in the Harvard Business Review for what makes an employee stay, I also think it's applicable when applied to the question of why one stays in a relationship or stays working on the goal they have set for themselves.

 I believe that if a vast majority (if not all of them) are checked off... then you're ok to be tired. :)

Spend some good time relaxing, spend your time refueling yourself, spend time with good friends / family over really really good food and drink.

You got this. We got this.

 

 

Saturday
May072016

Friday nights :)

 

 

 

Friday night... you're amazing.

When I first started practicing, I was a faithful Friday Yo-Groove student of Lisa Shilolo at Bodhi Tree. It was one of my favourite classes to go to and my mat was my church. It was at that point I started shifting out of drinking and going ot the clubs on Friday night so that I could laugh, smile and move my body with so many familiar faces (who eventually became friends) in the room. It was my favourite way to tie up my week and there were moments of great triumph, of clarity, of connection and of authenticity. 

So when I was offered a slot teaching on Friday night in a studio in the south and later at Yoga Santosha, I was both honoured and excited. Excited to take the reigns in a humble hope to provide the same space that Lisa Shilolo did for me all those Friday nights. Honoured because people would choose to spend their Friday night with me and that I could carry a piece of Lisa Shilolo into my teaching. :)

But after 7.5 years of teaching on Friday nights... it finally came time to let it go and to reclaim that night back for myself. 

You see, my life has been centered around building my teaching and while that still remains true, I am also shifting my efforts towards finding myself in my personal life and health (body, mind and spirit).

 

 

It took a long time to get here and there's still a long way to go in reflecting who I am as a teacher into the way I am in relationships and for my health. I am holding myself accountable to be big and bold in these areanas and to try things outside of yoga so that I have a healthy body inside and out for years to come. 

While I am sad to walk away from my Yoga Groove class, I am also excited at the time it frees up for me to develop and continue the evolution of self. My first Friday night off, I was able to get to Ryan Leier's master class at Yoga Passage for a good 2 hour class to refill my own cup. I also know that's it's not goodbye... heck no!! The city of Calgary is small and the yoga community is even smaller (the world, is actually very small).

See you on the patios, bike paths and out and about my friends!!

 

Also... to settle rumours...

I am not quitting, stepping back or taking a break from yoga. 

I'm still all in... more than ever! <3

Friday
Oct162015

When the heart breaks...

In the last three years, I have had a lover in another country.

But before I dive in, let's rewind the clock...

I was emerging out of one of the most toxic relationships of my life. It brought me down to my knees and shattered every sense of self I had. I plunged myself into my work and dedicated my time and efforts to the craft I humbly offer in every class.
It has been worthwhile and so brilliantly amazing... But I didn't know it until three years ago that there was a piece of me that was lost when I came out of that relationship.

When I met my lover, the gift he gave me was that happy reminder of the woman I once was and would continue evolving to be. A woman who is steadfast in her femininity, powerful with a graceful fragility, courageously vulnerable, comfortable displaying her sensuality and charged with shakti.

And as time passed within the last three years, I've penned outrageously romantic moments with this man. Everything, like a scene from the gooiest romantic film starring the likes of Ryan Gosling

(Like this scene from The Notebook).

 

Our lives will be peppered with people coming in and out of our spheres of existence. Each of them will offer you a valuable lesson... Sometimes, these lessons are hard, sometimes these lessons are beautiful, sometimes these lessons are lifting and sometimes these lessons will break your heart.

Human nature is a funny thing and we hold on and replay and hope to relive certain aspects. But time... Well, it doesn't work like that.

I was gifted with the realization that I could reclaim the woman I left in the dust in my journey as a teacher over 3 years ago. But, drunk with ambrosia like feelings... I started to hold on to something else in hopes to replay and relive those wildly romantic moments. In effect, shutting me off from anybody else and anchoring me to an idea, a scene from a movie, a piece of wonderland.

And so... I bid farewell with so much love and so much respect for this man. The universe conspired and worlds collided to bring our paths together again in this version of our lives. A touch and kiss so tender and familiar that it must have happened in a previous lifetime... It's just not the right timing in this one.

A great and inspirational friend said to me once, "time is all but an illusion. Time-ING, is everything". (Thanks Peter Jack!)

And so... my heart breaks in a strangely beautiful way. The seams, splitting apart and exposing the raw and authentic vulnerability that lies within us all. I wept for the loss and reserve the right to cry again at a later date, perhaps when I am reminded of him. But, there was a sense of calm even as I cried because I knew. I knew.

When the heart breaks... It opens.

When your heart breaks, it blasts open

Monday
Sep282015

That's a wrap...

When my friend Amy originally told me she was running Surf & Yoga retreats under Oshiis, I was so happy for her to pursue and forge forward in her dreams.

When she asked if I would be a part of it, I didn't hesitate to sign my name up after hearing everything they would offer. I am always one that wants to provide an experience for my peeps to remember forever and always going the extra mile.

The Oshiis Surf & Yoga experience was such an amazing thing to be a part of and I am honoured to be a chapter in this journey and so blessed that so many took a leap of wild faith and joined me and Amy in Costa Rica.

When it comes to leading retreats, all I can do is figure out the logistics on my end, cross my fingers and then throw it out to the universe. I never know what is going to happen and I am always humbled and so grateful for the way it turns out.

Being surrounded in a group of like minded individuals who come as they are (authentically raw) is such a rare treat and something I hold and honour. I had so much fun learning to catch the waves, trying to zip down the line and laughing over many shared stories with so many amazing women.

Props for the new friends I have made... Wow! Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life. My heart is so damn full of love, good times and laughs. I am so happy to share the other side of who I am when I'm not teaching with you and looking forward to the QT with you when we are back home or bumping into each other in our travels.

Shoutout to Amira... The actual woman behind "that's what she said". She IS she people are referring to. I had so much fun laughing and dancing the sweaty nights away.

To amazing Gilbert Brown and Rigo muffin... You two are the best surf instructors a girl could ask for. Thanks for being so amazing at teaching, for coaching and guiding us into those waves. My first surf camp experience will be hard to beat. #oshiissurfergirls #rambutanis

And finally to Amy... You blow my mind. Thank you for this F*** yes moment! Thank you for this experience. I am so proud to be a chapter in this story and definitely eager to see everything bloom for you.

Coincidentally, after my last retreat in Bali and after this retreat in Costa Rica... It coincided with lunar eclipse.
And with any lunar eclipses... It signals a compelling time to shed old and fruitless habits and ways of thinking. It heralds in an opportune time to recreate your story to aid the flow to a new way of being, living, moving and dreaming.

More and more, I move further away from a rocky moment in my life when I first started leading retreats (some know the story but for now it's a moment for another time when I feel stronger to tell the tale). Transforming the retreat experience into magic, love, courage and strength. Thank you everybody involved beyond what you might know at the moment.

Costa Rican Caribbean life has put some things into perspective for me and so many new ideas to sit on, hatch and foster.

I. AM. READY.