I have to earn this

Several months ago in Bali, I sat with a healer. She looked at me and said something I’ll probably carry for the rest of my life.

“Your heart is saying, ‘What about me?’”

Then she looked at me so matter of factly and said,

“You don’t love yourself.”

At first, I wanted to disagree.

Of course I love myself.

I eat well.

I move my body.

I practice yoga.

I lift weights.

I prioritize adventures.

I spend time with people I love.

I take care of myself.

But somewhere between caring for myself and loving myself, there’s a g a p.

Because if I’m being really honest…

I don’t love myself the same way I love my sister.

I don’t love myself the same way I love my friends.

I don’t love myself the same way I love my little black cat.

I don’t love myself the same way I love the communities I’m lucky to be part of.

That was (and continues to be) an incredibly difficult truth for me to sit with.

And lately I’ve started to notice something else.

Beneath so many of my decisions is a quiet belief that whispers,

You have to earn this.

Not just love.

Everything.

You have to earn rest.

You have to earn success.

You have to earn belonging.

You have to earn kindness.

You have to earn being chosen.

It’s amazing how one little sentence, you have to earn this, can quietly shape an entire life.

Because if you believe you have to earn love, then every relationship becomes a performance.

If you believe you have to earn your worth, every accomplishment is all but temporary.

You keep on moving the finish line because surely then you’ll deserve it.

Except the finish line never arrives.

And I’ve realized this is one of those wounds you can’t heal entirely on your own.

You can journal.

You can meditate.

You can go to therapy.

You can go to yoga. 

You can travel halfway around the world and sit with wise teachers and healers. 

These things matter.

But some wounds only reveal and heal themselves when another human stands in front of you and offers you something you haven’t learned how to receive… yet. 

Care.

Affection.

Patience.

Love.

Adoration.

Not because you’ve earned it.

Simply because you’re ✨you✨.