Entries in loss (1)


When the heart breaks...

In the last three years, I have had a lover in another country.

But before I dive in, let's rewind the clock...

I was emerging out of one of the most toxic relationships of my life. It brought me down to my knees and shattered every sense of self I had. I plunged myself into my work and dedicated my time and efforts to the craft I humbly offer in every class.
It has been worthwhile and so brilliantly amazing... But I didn't know it until three years ago that there was a piece of me that was lost when I came out of that relationship.

When I met my lover, the gift he gave me was that happy reminder of the woman I once was and would continue evolving to be. A woman who is steadfast in her femininity, powerful with a graceful fragility, courageously vulnerable, comfortable displaying her sensuality and charged with shakti.

And as time passed within the last three years, I've penned outrageously romantic moments with this man. Everything, like a scene from the gooiest romantic film starring the likes of Ryan Gosling

(Like this scene from The Notebook).


Our lives will be peppered with people coming in and out of our spheres of existence. Each of them will offer you a valuable lesson... Sometimes, these lessons are hard, sometimes these lessons are beautiful, sometimes these lessons are lifting and sometimes these lessons will break your heart.

Human nature is a funny thing and we hold on and replay and hope to relive certain aspects. But time... Well, it doesn't work like that.

I was gifted with the realization that I could reclaim the woman I left in the dust in my journey as a teacher over 3 years ago. But, drunk with ambrosia like feelings... I started to hold on to something else in hopes to replay and relive those wildly romantic moments. In effect, shutting me off from anybody else and anchoring me to an idea, a scene from a movie, a piece of wonderland.

And so... I bid farewell with so much love and so much respect for this man. The universe conspired and worlds collided to bring our paths together again in this version of our lives. A touch and kiss so tender and familiar that it must have happened in a previous lifetime... It's just not the right timing in this one.

A great and inspirational friend said to me once, "time is all but an illusion. Time-ING, is everything". (Thanks Peter Jack!)

And so... my heart breaks in a strangely beautiful way. The seams, splitting apart and exposing the raw and authentic vulnerability that lies within us all. I wept for the loss and reserve the right to cry again at a later date, perhaps when I am reminded of him. But, there was a sense of calm even as I cried because I knew. I knew.

When the heart breaks... It opens.

When your heart breaks, it blasts open